


Stay a little longer, I want you to eat well

by rudesunyoung



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Flashbacks, Misunderstandings, Romance, Sexual Content, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23766247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudesunyoung/pseuds/rudesunyoung
Summary: Every single morning when Jennie wakes up, they have to start all over again. First, it’s the journals, then Lisa has to play her a few videos. There’s boxes everywhere, some dated with stuff all the way back to 2010. There’s a decade of them, a decade that Jennie can’t remember.
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa
Comments: 46
Kudos: 200





	Stay a little longer, I want you to eat well

**Author's Note:**

> WHY do i cry reading my own writing

**6:38 am**

Lisa sits up, staring through bleary eyes as she reaches for her phone off the nightstand, almost knocking over the glass of water on the edge. 

“Shit,” she mutters.

The room is still dark and she can barely see anything besides the glow of her phone screen as the device comes to life. She rubs her eye, blinking through the spots in her vision as her eyes finally focuses on the notifications across the screen. 

It's just a few emails and some meetings that she needs to have with the faculty. Lisa turns her phone off, laying it face down on the night stand as she yawns into her fist and stretches her arms over her head. 

The joints in her back pop as she quietly feels around for her glasses, until her hands bump into the cool metal of the frames. When she slides them on, the room comes into shape a little bit better. 

The laundry basket is still pushed up against the closet. She can see the stack of records piled up on the mantel, and the clutter of papers covering her desk along with the stack of books that she’s still doing research over. 

Lisa rubs her eye again underneath her glasses, wiggling her toes underneath the blanket just to get some feeling back into them. When she hears someone sigh quietly beside her, she pulls the sheet up, tucking it around Jennie as her mouth pulls into a frown. 

She’s gonna wake up soon. Probably in thirty minutes or so if Lisa doesn’t make too much noise or step on that one floorboard near the space heater. 

Lisa smoothes her hair back, her fingernails just lightly grazing her scalp until she leans down to press a short kiss to her ear. Jennie smells like body wash and detergent, a scent that’s so comforting to Lisa, that she kisses her again and then presses her nose into the side of her neck just to inhale it again.

When she pulls away, Jennie smacks her lips softly in her sleep, her brow furrowing but immediately settling into place as Lisa kisses the top of her shoulder. 

“I love you,” she whispers against her skin. 

She spends a few more seconds just staring at her: at the way her hair fans across the pillow, the soft pout of her lips as she sleeps, and the goosebumps on her arms because the room is always cold in the morning.

Lisa slips out quietly— or about as quietly as one can with her sense of coordination. She almost slips on her sock, but she kicks it out of the way, quietly shuffling around the room as she gathers everything Jennie will need when she wakes up. 

The journals, those come first. 

On a bookshelf stacked on top of a bunch of John Hughes and Francis Ford Coppola films, there’s a stack of journals. Some moleskin, others muji, and Lisa’s personal favorite— the cheap spiral notebooks from the dollar store that have wide-ruled paper. 

They’re all dated. The oldest being from February 2010 and the most recent one to April 2020. They’re thick too, some of them bound with a wrap-around string and others nearly falling apart with all the tiny mementos shoved inside like movie ticket stubs, polaroids, receipts, and handwritten notes. 

Lisa has to make multiple trips, pushing all of her work over to one side of the desk and sliding her laptop onto the shelf next to a stack of newspapers. She arranges the journals in chronological order, and then reaches into the drawer of her desk to pull out a bright yellow sticky note.

_Read the journals first, then watch the videos on my laptop :)_

She sticks the note right on the wall above the desk, throwing her pen back in the drawer before she takes a deep breath. 

Lisa goes about her morning routine as usual. She’ll take a shower first, listening to the radio as Debussy plays from her Spotify playlist and the water drowns out her thoughts. Then she’ll tidy up the apartment, just picking up clothes that they might have left lying around or putting away the dishes that have already dried. 

When she can hear Jennie’s footsteps against the floorboards, her steps light and stilted—almost like she’s hesitating with every step—only then does Lisa start on breakfast. 

Her movements are systematic, following a routine of pulling out her favorite iron skillet and plugging the toaster into the wall. She rummages through the fridge for a carton of eggs and the half-finished pack of ham that she has to remember to stock up during her next trip to the grocery. 

The stove flickers to life as she sets the dial, moving all of the stuff to the counter before she slices off a stick of the butter and sets it in the pan. As it sizzles, her face warms from the heat and she tries to imagine what year Jennie’s on. Maybe 2011...but 2010 was pretty significant. It was their first year together. 

When the butter pops, Lisa moves to grab an egg out of the carton, knocking it gently against the side before she cracks it open into the pan. As the egg cooks, she pushes it over with chopsticks, laying down a slice of ham so it can cook together just the way that Jennie likes. 

The grease makes her fingers stick together, and she hums quietly underneath her breath as she sticks the bread in the toaster. 

The orange juice is chilled by the time she goes back to the fridge and pulls it out along with two glass cups. She moves an open paperback of _American Gods_ across the table, and sets the plates down across from each other. 

As their breakfast is plated, Lisa takes a seat at the table, pushing the curtain back so that the sunlight can stream in through the window.

Just as she hears the door open, Lisa looks up at the clock, noting that it’s 8:45 am. Her fingers stall near the utensils as she worries her bottom lip between her teeth. Jennie’s footsteps draw closer until she can feel her standing behind her, nervously twisting her shirt in her hands. 

When she turns around, Jennie is standing next to the couch, both of her arms wrapped around herself. She’s still in her sleep clothes, but her hair is brushed back into a ponytail. 

She’s not looking at Lisa—at least not yet—because she’s too busy taking the apartment in. She stares at the kitchen, at the notes on the fridge, and all the movie posters in their living room and that PacMan machine that Lisa had found at a flea market and fixed up. 

She doesn’t even realize that she’s holding her breath until Jennie’s gaze finally lands on her. The other girl doesn’t even say anything. She just studies Lisa’s face from across the room, taking in every detail that she can before she finally starts walking over. 

When she pulls the chair out, it makes a harsh scraping sound against the tile, and Lisa waits, always giving Jennie a moment to organize her thoughts before she says anything. 

She reaches for her fork, studying the food laid out in front of them and turns her plate around so she can pick at the fruit first. 

Lisa follows, ripping some of her toast apart and spreading grape jelly across the top before she eats a piece. 

For a couple of minutes it’s absolutely quiet. The only sounds are their utensils against their plates and the sound of branches that smack against the glass outside. 

“Good morning,” Jennie finally whispers. She’s still looking down, her fork poking at the middle of her egg until it finally breaks and the yolk runs out. 

“Morning,” Lisa smiles. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah...I mean, yes I think so.”

She cuts a piece of ham off with her fork and dips it in the yolk, letting some of it drip onto her plate before she takes a bite. 

“That’s good,” Lisa nods. She clears her throat and then shifts, bringing her foot up to rest on the chair. 

“Do you remember me, Jennie?”

She chews slowly, always tasting the food instead of wolfing it down like Lisa has a tendency to do. One time, Jennie had told her that she was going to choke and that if she did, she would die because Jennie didn’t know CPR. 

Lisa hates that Jennie can’t remember that. 

“You’re Lisa…” she murmurs softly. “I’m—we’re dating each other, have been for a while.”

“Yeah,” Lisa nods. “Yeah, um ten years, so yeah.”

Jennie chuckles, her expression finally changing since she entered, before she grabs her toast and rips off the edges. 

“You forgot to take the crust off” she says quietly, her lips twitching into a smile. 

“Yeah,” Lisa laughs nervously. “I guess I did, sorry.”

Jennie rips off another piece of toast and fidgets for at least half a second before she reaches across the table and takes Lisa’s hand. Her fingers are cold, they’ve always been, but Lisa can’t deny the hot flush that thrums underneath her skin where Jennie’s fingers are. 

Her thumb rubs a circle over the inside of her wrist and Lisa hesitates only for a second before she’s turning their hands over and interlacing their fingers.

“Is this alright for you?”

Jennie looks down at her hands and she can see the flush on her cheekbones and the slight traces of sleep in the corner of her eyes. The way the sunlight shines across her face, makes her eyes seem brighter than they actually are. Jennie looks back up at her and the smile that she gives her is one that Lisa wants to remember every morning. 

“I think so, yeah.”

* * *

****

**March 2010**

“Do you want to break up?”

Lisa stops what she’s doing. Her fingers haven’t really stopped shaking since they’ve got back from the hospital, so she needed something to do. She couldn’t even properly insert the batteries in the fucking remote, but when she hears what Jennie says, she sets it back down harshly. 

The noise must startle Jennie because she jumps, but Lisa doesn’t have time to apologize because what the fuck?

“What the fuck did you just ask me?!”

She doesn’t mean to raise her voice, but how the hell is she supposed to answer something like that? Why would Jennie even think that it was okay for her to ask that?

“I just—“ she doesn’t finish her sentence, quickly looking away at something on the wall. There’s nothing there, just a shelf full of potted plants and a picture of Jennie’s late mother. 

“I don’t want you to feel—“

“To feel what?!” Lisa snaps. 

Jennie turns her attention back to her but her eyes are red and her face is flush, probably what Lisa looks like too considering they’ve both been crying for some time. 

It felt like years between the time Jennie was checked into the hospital until she was finally released, but it’s only been twenty-four hours. And in between that time, both of them have cycled through so many emotions that Lisa feels lethargic. It hurts for her to keep her eyes open and to take a deep breath and to sit up straight, but she’s afraid that if she closes her eyes, Jennie will walk out and never come back.

So she bites her tongue and tries to control herself because they shouldn’t be fighting. The last thing they need to do is fight. They need to figure out what the hell they're going to do together, not separately. 

“I’m sorry,” Lisa murmurs. She licks her lips, tasting salt and roughly scrubs her cheek with the heel of her hand. She’s so fucking tired of crying too. 

“But don’t ask me that. Do you really want me to leave? Do _you_ want to leave? Is that what this is? You want to quit just because you won’t remember this?”

Jennie doesn’t answer her but she doesn’t have to. Lisa knows what she’ll say. She knew it when the doctor had walked back into the room and showed them CT scans of Jennie’s brain. When he had pulled up his chair to sit next to her and explain it.

_“We’re looking at an accelerated case of anterograde amnesia. Now, I know that you’re unfamiliar with any known medical history in your family, but I think this is a separate issue. For one, this tumor here,” he says pointing to an area of her brain in the photo. “Is what’s causing the damage to the memory-making parts of your brain. It’s small,” he adds, which is why you haven’t seen much of its effects yet, besides the amnesia you’ve been experiencing.”_

_“But it can and most likely, will grow. The more it grows and pushes on this area thereby creating pressure, the more severe it will get. You won’t be able to retain any new information. This includes things like: someone you’ve recently met, what groceries you bought yesterday, where you work, or a new phone number.”_

_“Now, these older relationships. Things like where you went to college, your family, or anything before the onset of this tumor are things that you’ll be able to remember. The past doesn’t change for you, it’s only the present—things that happen now—that are not able to be retained.”_

_“But—but you can’t just— you can’t remove it?”_

_The doctor frowns down at his hands, rubbing his palms against his slacks before he sighs. “We can remove the tumor, yes, that’s always a possibility but I’m afraid that’s much too dangerous.”_

_“Much more dangerous than losing my memory?!” Jennie chokes._

_The doctor nods sympathetically and moves to grasp her hand, squeezing her fingers as Jennie tries not to cry._

_“If we were to remove the tumor, I’m afraid it might impair not only your memory, but your motor skills and your ability to function as an able-bodied adult. You could probably lose your ability to walk, to use your hands, to speak. The tumor is so close to these vital neurons that I wouldn’t want to run the risk of creating even more harm to you than what’s already being done.”_

_Jennie had stared at him for a long moment, neither of them saying anything until she had looked over at Lisa with tears in her eyes._

_“So I just forget?”_

Lisa stands up and crosses the room, kneeling down by Jennie’s feet so that she could press her face into the soft give of her thighs. 

“I don’t want to leave. I don’t want you to leave.”

And Lisa hates the way her voice catches because she knows that she’s going to start crying, that she’s going to do whatever she can to get Jennie to fucking stay because this can’t be it.

So when she cries, it starts off slow, just her tears soaking silently into the material of her jeans. But then she finds it hard to catch her breath and she can’t keep up with the way that her heart pounds against her chest and how fucking scared she would be if Jennie walked out of that door right now.

She doesn’t even realize that Jennie has started crying as well until she feels her hands settle on top of her head and the way that Jennie shakes from the source of her sobs. 

All they do is sit there like that, crying against each other until Jennie forces her head up, forcing Lisa to look at her so that she can see her when she talks. 

“Why would you want,” she sniffles. “Why-why would you want to waste your time like this?”

But Jennie doesn’t get it. She still doesn’t get it. Even after all this time, even after Lisa had promised that she would be there for anything, that they would do everything together, it is physically impossible to walk away from her.

“I’m not wasting my time.”

 _“Yes, you are,_ ” she stresses. “What the fuck do you not get? Did you not sit with me in that goddamn office and listen to everything that I listened to? I’m not right up here!” She says pointing to her head.

And Lisa hates how her voice trembles. She hates the way her fingers haven’t stopped shaking either and the red flush of her nose and the tired look on her face. She doesn’t even look like Jennie— she looks like a shell of her, someone that’s holding her, but not someone who is her. 

Maybe that’s what trauma does to you. It makes you someone unrecognizable. 

“I’m not right,” she cries. “I’m not right. My head isn’t okay, it’s never going to be okay and you don’t deserve that.” 

She covers her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking as she cries and Lisa pushes up on her feet, drawing Jennie into her arms.

She can feel her tears on her shirt and the way that her chest heaves when Jennie tries to take a deep breath but can’t. Lisa rubs her back, but it doesn’t even feel comforting to her. It only makes her even sadder if that’s possible. 

“You don’t deserve this,” Lisa mutters. “Nobody fucking does, but you heard what he said. It can’t be removed without doing further damage to you and I would hate that. I would hate for you to be in any more pain. I would hate for you to suffer.”

“So what do we do?” Jennie says and even though it’s muffled by Lisa’s shirt, she still pulls back, wiping the area under Jennie’s eyes and cradles her face in her hands.

“What do we do?” She mumbles, her eyes raw and red from crying.

“You forget,” Lisa says. “You forget it all and I’ll—I’ll try to help you remember.”

* * *

Some days, Jennie didn’t want to read it from her journals. Some days, she wanted Lisa to tell her for herself. 

“How did we—how did we meet?”

Lisa stands at the counter, slicing the crusts off the bread as she plugs the sandwich maker into the wall. The red light on the top switches on and Lisa sets down the knife, reaching for the bottle of mustard.

“Um, we met about a year or so…” Lisa says tonguing the inside of her cheek. “Before your diagnosis, I believe. I was working at the cafe next to the news station in the financial district. You always came in for pumpkin pound cake, it was your favorite,” Lisa smirked. 

Jennie wrinkles her nose, biting into the apple in her hand and chewing on it quietly. Lisa covers one side of the bread in mustard then reaches for a slice of ham and lays it on top followed by a slice of cheese. 

“I was always waiting for you for some reason,” Lisa chuckles. “You came every afternoon at 1:15. I think it must have been your lunch break.”

“Did I work at the news station?”

“No,” Lisa shakes her head. “Uh, you were a sign language interpreter for a company I believe or you were an intern. I just know that you always wore these professional looking clothes. You even had a briefcase, it was adorable.”

Jennie huffs, knocking her shoulder against Lisa’s as she puts the sandwich into the machine and closes the top of the lid. Smoke travels out the side but Lisa waits until the light changes to green before opening it.

The bread is perfectly toasted and she picks it up carefully with her fingers, transferring it to the plate at her side. 

“I just talked to you one day and never stopped. You even gave me your phone number and we would go out and eat, sometimes hang out at Han River, but you were nervous because you thought I would get bored with you.”

Lisa chuckles at that memory. When they were together in the beginning, not sure of the nature of their relationship, Jennie was always self-conscious of the way she dressed, how she talked, and little minute details that Lisa didn’t care about. 

It was unfortunate that Jennie couldn’t see how crazy Lisa was about her, how much she would have killed for Jennie to even glance at her when she wasn’t looking. 

“I was obsessed with you— never bored of you.”

Jennie doesn’t say anything but she does watch as Lisa repeats the motions again, but this time with a slice of bread that still has the crust. When she finishes, she hands Jennie her plate and they migrate to the couch.

“Was my dad okay with it?” 

Lisa chews through her mouthful and then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. 

“Yeah. He just wanted you to focus on your job though. He thought I might be a distraction, but he eventually came around.”

“That’s good,” Jennie murmurs. “Was it hard, I mean? Like was our relationship hard for us?”

“Um...not more so than usual. It was just like every couple. We had arguments and sometimes it was over really stupid bullshit, but we always got over it. We were really happy back then. You were always making me laugh and we had a lot in common. I’ve never had as much fun as I did than with being with you.”

Lisa takes another bite out of her sandwich and they don’t say anything for a while either. Jennie eats quietly and it isn’t until she’s halfway done that she speaks up again.

“Are you happy now?”

Her body is twisted in Lisa’s direction and Lisa doesn’t even look up, she doesn’t have to when she’s nodding her head. 

“I am. I’m really happy to be with you right now.”

* * *

The sun is out and for the first time, the sky is nearly a clear pristine color of blue. The air pollution isn’t that bad, and the grass looks healthier—lush even as they take the bus down to the beach. 

“Have I ever been there?” Jennie says, pointing at a bookstore that they pass by with a yellow car in the window. 

“Um…” Lisa thinks. “I’m not sure, actually. You’ve been to a lot of bookstores, honestly. Maybe?”

Jennie nods, not really saying anything, but acknowledging that it’s just something that she won’t ever remember, won’t ever have the ability to look back on. Another thing lost in her head. 

“That place looks good,” she smiles, jutting her chin in the direction of the seafood restaurant. There are lights hanging from outside and a rooftop seating area underneath a hangar of foliage. 

“I took you there once.”

“Really?” Jennie says. She turns around in her seat, almost like she has to see Lisa’s face in order to make sure that she’s not lying. 

“Yeah. We had a double date actually with our friends and we went there.”

The light changes color and the bus moves ahead, Jennie twisting around so she can watch the building through the window. When she can no longer see it, she sits back and looks at Lisa, silently urging her to finish. 

“It was to celebrate their engagement. It was really low key but we were the first people to find out. So we went there and we had really good food and drank a lot. I think you actually threw up on the side of the building. All that food and for what? For it to end up on the sidewalk.”

Jennie scoffs, whispering _‘bullshit’_ underneath her breath, but she breaks out into a smile. It’s so easy to get her to smile because everything is so new to her.

“I did _not_.”

“You did!” 

“I remember holding your hair back and then listening to you complain the entire way back about the service. It was honestly fucking hilarious.”

Jennie snorts but then she ends up laughing and Lisa can’t stop herself as she joins in too. 

The beach is not as populated as it would be considering it’s 4:30 p.m. on a Tuesday but they still manage to find a spot that’s densely populated and just far away enough that they have some privacy. 

Jennie unfolds the thick brown blanket, laying it across the sand before she slips out of her sandals and takes a seat on the blanket. 

Lisa unpacks the bag, taking out: packaged fruit, honey chips, a couple of water bottles and mini cubes of cheese and salami. In the distance, other people are lounging in chairs and laying back on their own blankets underneath the sun. 

Lisa pops one of the grapes into her mouth and then smiles when Jennie reaches over to do the same. The sun is descending lower into the horizon, orange and pink colors spreading out across the sky as the wind blows. 

Lisa and Jennie don’t talk—not at first—they just eat. They’re good at that and maybe that’s why it’s so comfortable between them. They’re not nervous around each other—some days they might be anxious or hesitant, but food is a good buffer for that. 

When Jennie bites into a piece of strawberry, the juice running down the curve of her bottom lip and past her chin, Lisa watches until Jennie catches her gaze and smiles shyly. 

A couple of birds swoop low overhead and Lisa looks up at the sky, watching them until they land on the sand a few feet away, picking at pieces of food that must have been picked up by the wind. 

She only looks away when she sees Jennie pull her shirt off, revealing the navy blue one-piece. She stretches her legs out in front of her, wiggling her toes like she can’t believe she has some and then turns to Lisa. 

“I’m gonna go down to the shore and put my feet in.”

“Okay, be careful.”

Jennie nods and she moves to get up, but hesitates before turning around and quickly leaning over to kiss Lisa on her cheek. 

She walks away quickly, Lisa staring after her as she makes her way through the sand and to the edge of the water. Two kids run down to the edge too, their laughter loud and their smiles wide as they attempt to shove each other in. 

Lisa reaches into the bag and pulls out her camera along with the notebook that Jennie had packed in there. She puts the strap around her neck and sits up, lifting the viewfinder to her eye as she snaps a few photos. 

When Jennie looks over her shoulder at her, she waves and her smile is so gorgeous that Lisa can’t help but take another picture of it. When she’s finally done with that, she sets her camera down and pulls open the notebook, uncapping her pen.

****

**April 10, 2020**

_We took the bus down to the beach today. You wanted to know some of the stores that we drove past but you didn’t remember the seafood restaurant where we went and you got plastered. I made a picnic for us and you ate all the strawberries so now I have nothing. I really hate you :(_

_You also ran down to the beach and I think I’m going to join you now._

Lisa tucked her pen into the middle of the notebook, letting it close as she got to her feet and trailed after Jennie. 

When she came to stand next to her, the water sloshed softly at their feet, making the hair on the back of her arms and her neck stand up. It was cold, but she didn’t say anything as Jennie finally looked over and smiled at her. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

With the sun setting, the golden glint of the sun falls across her cheekbones and changes the color of Jennie’s eyes to a soft, hazy brown. Her hair billows out past her shoulders, fluttering in the wind. Before she can say anything, Jennie is reaching over and brushing her bangs out of her eyes. 

Her fingers skim over her eyebrow, and down the slope of her nose before coming to rest on the top of her lip. She taps her fingers softly against Lisa’s skin and the other girl curls her hands into fists at her side. When Jennie pulls her fingers away, she runs her hand down the length of her arm and takes Lisa’s hand, flattening her palm against her own so she can hold her hand.

* * *

They visit Jennie’s father every Saturday and sometimes even stay the night if it’s too late to take the train back. 

This is one of those weekends. 

The clear sun drips through the window when they pull into the station and Lisa blinks herself awake. There are long stretches of fields and power lines that zigzag in different directions, covering the sky in patterns. 

Lisa rubs her eyes and glances over at Jennie who’s cleaning off her seat tray. Her iPad is open to Netflix and there are candy wrappers, an open juice box, and a worn paperback of _The Secret History_ that’s started to yellow at the edges. 

Lisa helps her clean up and then they’re grabbing their bags and making their way onto the platform. The train station is hardly crowded, but Lisa still keeps close to Jennie with a hand on her lower back as they walk through the station. 

The automated voice over the intercom announces the departure of another train when they finally catch sight of Jennie’s dad. He’s leaning against the railing outside, a thick red parka on and a baseball cap over his head that makes him look younger than he really is. 

He breaks out into a smile, lifting his hand to wave at the both of them, and Lisa is struck by how little he’s changed—how she can still make out pieces of Jennie in him—like their smiles. 

“Hey, you two.”

He grabs Jennie up in a hug, his arms holding her close as she squeezes him back. Lisa was always grateful that this disease hadn’t taken her parents away from her. Jennie adored them, it was easy to see that. When her father pulled back, rubbing her arms and cupping Jennie's face in between his large hands, it felt like Lisa had stepped back in time and was seeing them as just a father and a daughter all over again. 

“You look happy,” he chuckled, his eyes studying her for a moment before he kissed the top of her head. “You look so happy. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, dad. I’m okay.”

He chuckles once more, opening his mouth to say something but decides against it at the last second. “Well, come on then. Let’s get your bags and go home.”

He claps Lisa on the shoulder and kisses her cheek before helping them with their things to his car. The drive is long; the station is nearly an hour outside of the city, but the time is easily filled by Jennie and her father. 

They talk openly and easily about everything. With his eyes on the road and the pine scented car freshener swinging from side-to-side, Jennie describes every detail to Lisa as if she hadn’t done the same thing last weekend.

_There’s the onigiri food stall that I’d used to visit everyday after school. Over there is the creek that I walked through and fell into a bush of poison ivy. And that’s the salon that my mother would take me to: she’d gossip and sit for hours getting her hair permed as I sat and watched._

Lisa watches the buildings morph into homes and the neighborhoods stretch past one another in a dizzying landscape of memories. She remembers the houses and the neighbors that Jennie has pointed out and the yellow bike that had laid mangled at the end of the road, no longer there. 

Chuncheon is an old city, one with miles of fields and the Obongsan Mountains in the distance along with cherry blossom trees that drip with petals along the street. 

Jennie’s home is small, but a compact building in the suburbs, surrounded by other one-story homes with bikes in the yard and cars either parked on the curb or in the driveway. 

Jinwoo helps them with their bags and unlocks the front door, holding the door open for both women as they shuffle inside. 

The house is warm and as they take off their shoes and set them on the rack, Jennie looks around, staring at her childhood home as Lisa touches her hand. 

“I’ll put these in your room. Just relax, okay,” he says, disappearing down the hall. 

The house has an open-floor plan with a beige leather couch pressed back against a large window and two leather armchairs that match the wooden cabinets along the wall. 

There’s a small shelf of books along the bottom and a flat-screen TV playing the evening news. Lisa looks at the pictures along the wall, mostly of his late wife, Eunyul, and others of Jennie, and his family that’s scattered throughout South Korea and New Zealand.

Jennie walks ahead of her, her hand trailing along the walls, bumping into picture frames and running over the soft peel of the paint. 

“I don’t remember some of this,” she murmurs. 

Lisa joins her in the kitchen. The table’s already set with a light pink floral tablecloth that has flower petals stitched on the sides. There’s bowls and plates filled with braised potatoes, bean sprouts, cucumber salad, bulgogi, and steamed rice. 

“But my mom made this,” she says, touching the tablecloth. She rubs the material between her fingers almost like she can picture the way her mother sat at the table, halfway bent over the sewing machine as a sitcom ran in the background.

“But the coloring...the patterns here are not what I remember,” she says gesturing around the kitchen. 

That would make sense. Her father redecorated the home after her mother passed. He painted the walls, hung up more photos, and turned one of the bedrooms into a small painting studio where he has portraits and easels and paint cans along the floor.

_“I had to do something...something to keep myself busy,” he told them last week, running a hand through his hair._

_“When she passed, I felt lost; I felt like I had no purpose.”_

“It’s been awhile.” And it had been. Nearly twelve years had passed since her mother’s death and Jennie knew that—she did, it was just the changes that came after that she was having trouble with. 

“Yeah,” she sighs. 

Her father comes back into the room, this time with his glasses on, and he ushers both girls to the table. 

“Let’s sit and eat. You two must be tired. It was a long trip, right?”

They take a seat at the table and Jennie watches as her father passes around the dishes and places extra on her plate when he thinks she isn’t looking. 

“You made all this, dad?” 

“Some of it,” he chuckles and picks up a piece of cucumber, putting it in his mouth. 

“The rest I just bought pre-packaged at the supermarket.”

Jennie snorts into her drink and briefly glances over at Lisa, before she starts eating. Jinwoo talks a lot for the both of them— was always that way—which feels nice since they don’t have to fill the space with awkward silence or stilted jokes.

He talks about the bird bath that he wants to build and the 1,000-piece cherry blossom puzzle that he hasn’t completed yet. Jennie alternates between eating and listening intently—her attention divided as she watches him. 

“Last weekend,” he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “You were pretty good at it. Do you want to have a go at it again?”

“I helped you?”

“Yes,” he says softly. “Yes, you did. I haven’t touched it since.”

“Alright,” Jennie shrugs like it’s no big deal, but Lisa can see the way that she smiles. 

They finish their food about an hour or so later and Lisa initially gathers the plates to begin washing them, but Jinwoo shoos her away and tells her to keep Jennie company. 

“You’re guests,” he frowns. 

“Jinwoo,” Lisa says. “You went through a lot to prepare this. Let me help.” 

Lisa tries to reach for the side dishes on the table, but he slaps her hand away and steers her around the table. 

“No, go,” he says, pushing her towards the living room. “It won’t take long. I’ll be quick, I have a dishwasher, remember?”

Lisa sighs but otherwise doesn’t feel like putting up much of a fight. Jennie’s not in the living room so she walks down the hallway, glancing at the family photos along the wall and distinctly listening to the sounds of Jinwoo at the sink. 

When she comes to the room at the end of the hall, she pushes the door the rest of the way open, finding Jennie seated on her old bed. 

The comforter is a gaudy shade of yellow with white flower petals stitched on the end. There’s not much of a change in the room since they were here last weekend and as the natural light filters through the window, Lisa can see dust particles float in the air. 

There’s a desk and a stack of books on the wall and an old guitar propped up against the dresser. Last weekend, Jennie had played it, stroking a few chords before giving up and putting it back. 

“I got those posters in the United States,” she murmurs. 

They’re pictures of One Republic and Vampire Weekend: the corners of the posters are slightly torn and yellow with age, but Jennie still smiles up at them. 

“It was at a music store. My mom got them for me and I was so happy.”

“I know,” Lisa chuckles. She crosses the room and takes a seat next to Jennie, the mattress dipping with her weight. 

“She was always traveling for work, always bringing me things back.”

She stands up and walks over to her desk, flicking at an origami design of a turtle and running her hand along the spine of the books. 

“I remember all of this,” she says quietly. 

Lisa doesn’t say anything as she turns around and stares at her. When Jennie leans back against the desk, she folds her arms across her chest and licks her lips. 

“What did we do last weekend?”

“Much of the same thing,” Lisa shrugs. “We ate, your father started on a puzzle with you, and we listened to you play that,” she says gesturing to the guitar. 

“Did we stay the night?”

“Yeah.”

“Did we both fit on the bed?” Jennie snorted, her eyes staring pointedly at the mattress. 

“It was a tight fit, but yeah. I kept elbowing you in the stomach though, so we didn’t sleep much.”

Jennie laughed, pushing herself up and shaking her head. “It’s weird, you know.”

“What’s weird?”

She walked over and sat back down on the bed, this time closer to Lisa because their legs were touching. She didn’t say anything, but Jennie did reach over and take her hand, laying it on the inside of her thigh. 

“I can remember all of my memories here. I remember this bed,” she said running her hand over the comforter. 

“I remember doing my homework at that desk,” she says. “I don’t feel like a blank slate here, everything makes sense.”

Jennie squeezes her hand as she says that and Lisa doesn’t say anything. What is she supposed to say? When she licks her lips, Jennie sighs and turns to face her. 

“Does that bother you? That you can’t remember anything back at our home?”

“It makes me frustrated that I can read everything and see what we’ve done together and yet, have no memory of it at all. But here I can...I can remember things up until a certain period and then it just...it just stops.”

“I’m sorry,” Lisa murmurs. 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“Would it be—“ she starts, licking her lips. “Would it be easier for you if you stayed here?”

“What?”

“I’m just—“ Lisa shrugs. “I’m just saying, you know. Since it’s so familiar to you, would it make you feel better if you stayed here instead of Seoul?”

And Jennie looks at her, not those shy glances or those fleeting looks that she gives her when they eat together. She really stares at Lisa like she’s trying to understand what she just said. The silence is unnerving because it’s exactly what Lisa feared. It’s what she’s feared every single morning waking up and moving through the routine, hoping—praying—that Jennie would be okay with it. 

That she would be okay with remembering some things and forgetting the other parts—the parts that had to do with Lisa. 

But if she stayed—if she really wanted to—Lisa would be okay with that. It would hurt. It would hurt so fucking much, but as long as it was what Jennie wanted then she would suck it up and accept it. 

“Why—why would you ask me that?”

She doesn’t sound or look mad, but her brow is furrowed in confusion and Lisa wants to reach over and smooth it out, but she decides against it. 

“I don’t know,” she says quietly. 

“Do you _want_ me to stay here?”

“What? Fuck no, I don’t want that.”

“Then don’t suggest things for me. Don’t assume anything just because I’m telling you how I feel. Yes, it’s frustrating and sometimes I really hate that this happened to me, but that doesn’t mean I want to _leave_!”

Lisa flinches when Jennie stands up suddenly, pushing her hands through her hair and sighing loudly. She walks across the room and Lisa wishes that sometimes she knew when to shut up—that she could just keep these kinds of thoughts to herself.

“I’m sorry and you’re right,” Lisa says after a moment. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, Jennie.”

She stands up and crosses the room to put a hand on her shoulder in hopes that she’ll stop pacing. Her entire posture is off, coiled with tension and Lisa hates that she put her in that position. But Jennie shrugs her hand off, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Don’t do that again, Lisa,” she says quietly. 

“I know and I’m sorry. I won’t.”

Jennie looks down at the carpet, staring at her sock-clad feet until she looks up again. 

“I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me everyday because none of this makes sense and I know you’re trying, but you suggesting something like that makes it seems like I don’t care about you or us.”

“I don’t know why I said that. I just know—I know your father and everything here is what you remember and I just...I just want you to be happy.”

“If I wasn’t happy with you, I would tell you. I would tell you and then I would leave.”

She finally turns to face the other girl and Lisa swallows roughly, watching as she stares at her chest before looking up at her. 

“I know that I can’t remember things, that there’s this block in my head where there’s just nothing there, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings are gone. That doesn’t mean that what I know I felt for you then—what I feel for you _now_ —changes.”

“I need to figure this out for myself and I want you to help me. But I don’t want you to make decisions for me.”

She reaches down and takes Lisa’s hand, intertwining their fingers together until Lisa looks at her. 

“I won’t do that again. I’m so sorry for saying that to you.”

Jennie smiles slightly and lifts their conjoined hands up to her lips and kisses her knuckles softly. Her lips are so soft that Lisa feels something inside of her ache and she pulls her hands away to lean down and kiss her on the mouth. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. I forgive you,” she breathes against her lips. 

Lisa pulls back, but Jennie tugs her forward and kisses her twice, breaking out into a smile when Lisa playfully bites at her cheek.

Later on that night, Jennie sits on the floor, bent over the coffee table and working with her dad on the puzzle that they started last week. 

Lisa had fallen asleep just a little bit before nine o’clock, when she wakes up in a daze, moonlight filtering in through the blinds and across the blankets. 

She reaches across the bed, feeling for Jennie’s arm, but can only feel the warmth of her body against the sheets. Lisa yawns into her fist and sits up halfway, the blanket pooling at her waist as she blinks in the darkness of the room. 

The door is partly ajar, so she must have gotten up sometime during the night to use the bathroom or get something to drink. 

Lisa looks over at her phone on the desk and she groans inwardly, pushing the blanket off of herself and throwing her legs over the side. 

11:27 p.m.

Lisa yawns again and rubs her eye with the heel of her hand, moving to rummage around for some pants and a sweatshirt to put on since it’s pretty chilly in the room. 

“Might as well get something to drink while I’m at it,” she mumbles, absentmindedly scratching her stomach. 

She quietly pads out of the room, hoping that she might catch Jennie in the kitchen since she always likes to drink water at odd hours of the night because her throat gets dry. Lisa usually leaves a water bottle on the nightstand for her, but it must have slipped her mind. 

As she walks down the hallway, she can see that all the lights have been turned off except for the lamp next to the couch. It dimly lights the living room and casts shadows on the kitchen tile. 

Lisa’s just about to stroll into the kitchen, when she suddenly hears voices, specifically what sounds like Jinwoo’s quiet laughter. She stops just short of the entryway, stepping back as she hears Jennie snort.

“Mom would’ve got a kick out of that.”

“I’ve been meaning to get rid of that stuff in the attic for years, anyway. I think that I might donate some of that stuff to the thrift store or Ms. Tran down the street. She has a granddaughter that would like some of that.”

“What’s even up there?”

“Mostly your toys when you were little. There’s boxes and boxes of them. A lot of old clothing too. We always thought about having another kid which was why we kept the stuff, but we never did.”

“Do you wish you’d had?”

“Wish I had what?”

“Another kid. Do you wish you and mom had another kid?”

There’s a long pause and Lisa can hear someone shift on the couch, followed by the clatter of a plate as it’s set down on the table.

She should leave—should just go back to bed and pretend that she hasn’t heard anything, but for some reason she stays, hidden behind the wall and out of the glare of the lamp.

“Sometimes, yes, I do. You were alone a lot and we always worried about you. If you had a sibling, it would have made it easier—made you not feel so alone.”

“I wasn’t alone,” Jennie murmurs. 

“I mean _now_. It would have helped to have someone else in there instead of your old man,” he chuckles. 

“Maybe,” she sighs. “You know...it would have been better for you too.”

“Why?”

“Because,” she says. “You would have had someone who was okay, who wasn’t like me—”

“Stop that,” he sighs. “I hate when you say things like that.”

“I just can’t help but think—”

“Well don’t—” he says and it sounds like he shifts again on the couch. “Don’t talk like that. I would never want to have another kid just so it could what? Soften the blow of your own disease? That’s ridiculous. You make me so happy. Just getting to talk to you and see you is enough for me. Don’t ever say that.”

They’re quiet for a long time and Lisa steps forward quietly, just peeking around the corner, when she sees Jennie shift closer to her father and wraps her arms around him. 

“I’m sorry, dad.”

Jinwoo huffs, he’s in his pajamas, but his glasses have slipped down to his nose, and he pushes them back up to his face before hugging Jennie back. 

“I love you. I love you a lot.”

“I love you too.”

Lisa steps back, turning around and making her way quietly back to Jennie’s old room.

* * *

****

**June 2010**

Lisa startles, her pen clattering to the ground as Jennie slams a stack of notebooks on her desk. 

“W-What’s this?”

“Journals,” she says, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. 

“They’re notebooks. I bought them at the dollar store. I think we should write in them.”

Lisa scoots back, pushing her work to the side as she stares at the stack. There are about ten notebooks, all in different colors like red, blue, and yellow. 

“You want to write in these...why?” Lisa licks her lips.

Jennie stares at her as if she’s grown a second head and looks up at the ceiling, pinching her nose before taking a deep breath. 

“Lisa…” she says slowly. “I want us to write everything. I want us to document everyday, even if it’s a small thing. So, you know, when I…” she mumbles and…

Oh. 

Lisa understands her now. She clears her throat and reaches forward for one of the notebooks, gently pushing Jennie’s hand to the side. 

“So you can remember?”

“Yes,” she nods. “So I can remember.”

Lisa flips open one of the notebooks, it’s yellow, with wide-ruled paper and that new school smell when you first rip the plastic covering off of it. 

“You want me to write something now?”

“If you want,” Jennie shrugs. “I mean...obviously not if you’re busy, but just little things that come to mind or whatever. You can do it whenever, just before the day ends, okay?”

“I can do that,” Lisa nods. “Let me finish working on this and then I’ll write something down, alright?”

“Mmhm,” Jennie nods and she leans down, pressing a kiss to the top of Lisa’s head before walking away with half a stack of notebooks in her arms.

Lisa actually doesn’t even get around to opening the notebook until much later. She loses track of time between helping Jennie prepare dinner and catching up on Adventure Time as the older girl lays across her lap and rubs her hands. 

It isn’t until she’s getting into bed, pulling the sheets back and seeing the notebook on her desk, that she remembers it. Lisa grabs it and climbs into bed, flipping to the first page and scribbling down the date, when Jennie walks in. 

“Baby, do you want some tea?”

She’s dressed in sleep shorts and a black cotton bra, and Lisa pats her lap, smiling at the other girl until she rolls her eyes and walks over to give her a kiss. 

Jennie holds the sides of her face as she kisses her softly, her skin is still warm and damp from the shower and Lisa licks into her mouth, tasting the mouthwash behind her teeth. 

Jennie pulls back slowly, snorting at the look on Lisa’s face before she leans back in and licks teasingly at her bottom lip.

 _“Fuck_ ,” Lisa groans.

Jennie smiles, pressing a soft kiss to the edge of her mouth, but moves away before Lisa can grab her around the waist. 

“Still want that tea?” She smirks and really, it’s unfair that her ass looks amazing in those shorts and even with sleep edged in her eyes, that she looks so gorgeous under their shitty lighting. 

Lisa takes a deep breath and nods, not really sure if she’s capable of saying anything coherent as Jennie walks back out of the room. 

Lisa has to take another minute to calm down before she actually gets back to what she originally wanted to do—write in the journal. As she jots down things, Jennie moves back and forth between putting the laundry away and doing her skincare routine in front of the mirror. 

It isn’t until she’s climbing back into the bed, that Lisa looks up from her writing. She’s got about two and a half pages of actual content written and Jennie smiles into her shoulder. 

“Is the tea done, sweetheart?”

“What tea?” She hums, kissing the skin of Lisa’s shoulder. 

“The tea that you asked me if I wanted some,” she snorts, jostling her shoulder slightly. 

Jennie is quiet for a second and Lisa doesn’t realize it until she sets the pen down in the middle of her notebook, moving it off of her lap. 

“Jennie? Did you make the tea?”

“I don’t know,” she frowns, her eyebrows furrowing as she stares at the sheets. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lisa.”

Lisa licks her lips and leans down to kiss her nose. She rubs her arms and pretends to laugh it off, but she must not be doing a good job because Jennie isn’t smiling—in fact, she looks upset. 

“Hey, it’s alright,” Lisa says quickly. “It’s all good. I’ll make it, okay? Just wait right here.”

Lisa clambers off the bed and is out of the room before Jennie can protest or insist that she do it instead. 

When Lisa walks into the kitchen, she sees the kettle on the stove and an open box of chamomile tea on the counter. She didn’t even get the chance to fill it up with water.

* * *

Jennie still works as a sign language interpreter. Except now, she works as a teacher’s assistant at a community college for students that want to learn sign language. 

Lisa will write down the directions, making sure to go with her the first week so she could point out the bus numbers and tell her what stop she was supposed to get off at. 

The community college is located on the outskirts of Insadong, situated behind a complex of newly renovated apartment buildings and a strip of restaurants. 

“Do you want me to pick you up?” Lisa had asked her as they stood outside the building. 

It was chilly outside, the wind whipping around their face as they huddled next to each other, Jennie’s hand wrapped around her arm. 

“I think…” she said, glancing down at the map in her hands. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure? I can try to leave my classes early and get here if you want me to? It’s no problem.”

Jennie glances over at her, her lips quirking up in a small smile as she shakes her head. 

“I’m alright. I remember the signs and your map is pretty detailed,” she chuckles. “I’ll get home before you anyways.”

Lisa frowns and she doesn’t really think that she needs to say anything because it’s pretty clear on her face. She doesn’t like it, per say. She doesn’t like that feeling that’s lodged in her throat—that’s telling her that Jennie needs her help—that she’s still not ready yet. 

But she has to be willing to give Jennie space; she has to let her do things on her own because Jennie doesn’t want her to make decisions for her—she shouldn’t make decisions for her. 

“Alright…” she sighs and smiles when Jennie nudges her shoulder with her own. “Call me or text me, you know...like when you’re on the way back home.”

 _“I will, I will_ ,” she groans and squeezes Lisa’s hand in her own before letting her go. 

She walks up the steps to the entrance and Lisa steps back, lifting her hand up to wave and Jennie copies the movement. 

“See you later?”

Jennie snorts and rolls her eyes fondly. “Of course.”

She pulls the door open, and Lisa leans to the side, just barely getting a glimpse of her back as it falls shut behind her. 

For a minute, she doesn’t even move. A few people look at her funny as she stands in the middle of the sidewalk, hands shoved in her pockets, staring at the building. She doesn’t really care either way, but it isn’t until she sees movement from one of the windows, that she looks up and spots Jennie. 

She’s telling her to leave with her hand and Lisa breaks out into a smile, ignoring her gesture to wave back. 

Jennie looks only slightly annoyed but she has a smile on her lips as she mouths _‘leave!’_ and Lisa ignores her, shaking her head childishly until Jennie looks up at the ceiling.

But she does need to go, no matter how much fun it is to mess with her like this. So she takes another glance at her watch before catching Jennie’s gaze and mouthing, _‘I’m leaving!’_

Jennie doesn’t look like she believes her, at least not until Lisa starts to actually walk away, looking over her shoulder every few steps to see Jennie still staring from the window.

**From: Jen 2:40 p.m.**

What do you want for dinner? 

Lisa reads over the message when her 2:30 lecture finally lets out for the day. She pushes her glasses off her face to rub her eyes and turns around in her chair, opening the message again. 

**From: Lisa 2:55 p.m.**

Um...idk...surprise me???

**From: Jen 2:57 p.m.**

I hat when you say that

*hate

Lisa snorts and types back something quickly. 

**From: Lisa 3:00 p.m.**

Make pasta then? 

**From: Jen 3:05 p.m.**

Rose pasta? You like that, right? With shrimp? 

**From: Lisa 3:07 p.m.**

sounds good...you remember where the market is right?

**From: Jen 3:08 p.m.**

I have google maps dude….I’ll be fine

**From: Lisa 3:10 p.m.**

I KNOW...but you know

**From: Jen 3:12 p.m.**

you literally make no sense

**From: Lisa 3:13 p.m.**

fkc you

**From: Jen 3:15 p.m.**

lmfao

Around six, Lisa makes her way back home, crossing the street quickly when the light turns red and the crowd of pedestrians begin moving. 

The sun is just starting to set, the sky bathed in hues of pink and orange as she walks the rest of the way toward the complex. Leaves have already started falling with the start of autumn and Lisa brushes a pile of leaves with her feet as she makes her way up the stoop. She grabs their mail from the front desk and then takes the stairs up to their level, waving to one of the old women that always leaves for bingo at around this time. 

She’s pushing the door open quietly, the keys jingling in the lock, when she hears the sound of music playing and the sound of water running. 

Lisa toes off her shoes by the front, bending down to place them on the rack, and drops the keys on the counter, depositing her bag on the hook by the door. 

“Hey, you,” she grins. 

Jennie’s changed out of her work clothes, wearing sweatpants and an old hoodie with Marlon Brando’s face sketched on the back. Her hair is pulled away from her face and she hums underneath her breath when Lisa touches the back of her arm. 

“It’s almost done. Wash up, okay?”

Lisa looks over at the stove where the pasta is already boiling in the pot and the marinated shrimp and vegetables are cooking in a broth of red cream sauce. 

“Okay...” and she looks back down at Jennie, watching the way she stares at her, silently giving Lisa permission when she briefly glances down at her lips. 

“How was your day?”

Jennie leans up on her toes, and presses a soft kiss to the edge of her mouth, looking up at her when Lisa leans down to kiss her back. Its simple—just a press of their lips against each other—but the way that Jennie curls a hand around Lisa’s arm makes her tilt her head to the side to deepen the kiss. Her lips are sticky from the lip gloss that she wears and when Jennie pushes her back carefully, Lisa leans down and quickly kisses her again. 

“Wash up,” she laughs, turning away from her. 

“Okay,” Lisa murmurs. 

Lisa manages to get halfway through grading one of her student’s essays when she looks up from her spot on the couch and Jennie is setting the table with two plates. She saves some of her feedback and closes her laptop, moving it to the coffee table and gets up to help her. 

The pasta looks great and Jennie even sprinkles some parmesan along the top, laughing when Lisa licks her lips and produces a half-empty bottle of wine from the cabinet. 

“It looks great. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, but try it first.”

“I don’t need to try it. I’m looking at it.”

Jennie snorts, but doesn’t pick up her own fork until Lisa actually gathers some on her spoon, blowing on it carefully before she takes a bite. 

She closes her eyes, moaning in delight as she tastes all the different flavors and the shrimp that’s slightly spicy just the way she likes it. 

“Fuck,” she groans around a mouthful. “Holy shit, this is delicious, baby.”

Jennie ignores her compliment, twirling some pasta around her fork as she smiles to herself. She doesn’t say anything—just takes a bite quietly, but Lisa can tell that she likes it too. 

Lisa hooks their ankles together underneath their small table, talking quietly about work, the news, and some new show that Jennie wants to watch because a student recommended it to her. 

When they finish dinner, Jennie sipping the last of the wine, Lisa does the dishes and cleans the kitchen while the older girl pulls out one of her notebooks and starts writing in the living room. 

Lisa’s drying the last of the dishes, placing the pot on the drying mat along with a measuring cup, when Jennie looks up at her. 

“What’s that market called...the one with the red henn in the window?”

“Fairway? Is that where you went?”

Jennie nods, going back to her notebook as she starts writing again. When Lisa finishes up, she joins Jennie on the couch, pulling her laptop back open and to the essay she was working on. 

For a couple of hours, they sit in complete silence, doing their own thing and Lisa, getting up at one point to make them both some tea when it gets late. 

“Are you tired?”

Lisa is about a quarter of the way through the fourth essay, but she has some time before she needs to hand them their grades back, so she nods and saves her work, shutting her laptop.

“Yeah, you?”

Jennie hums and tucks her notebook underneath her arm, standing up from the couch and pulling on Lisa’s hand so she’ll follow. 

“Can you open the window for a little bit? It helps me sleep.”

“Okay.”

While Jennie does her nighttime routine, Lisa changes into her sleep clothes and pulls the blinds up to open the window slightly. When she climbs into bed, she reaches over to switch the lamp off, and Jennie comes out of the bathroom. She pulls her hair tie out and crawls onto the bed, the mattress dipping with her weight until she comes to lay halfway across Lisa’s front. 

Underneath her t-shirt, she can hear the sound of her heartbeat and Jennie sighs, reaching up to run over Lisa’s jaw. Her skin is warm and Lisa pulls her closer, her hands sneaking under her shirt to feel the skin of her back. 

In the dark, it’s easy to think that Jennie will remember all of this in the morning: the way Lisa’s fingers feel against her spine, the smell of her breath like toothpaste, and the way Lisa has smiled at her when she saw her in the kitchen. Jennie stays up long after Lisa falls asleep, watching her in the dark as her chest rises and falls with each breath. She outlines the shape of her lips and the bridge of her nose until her own eyes grow heavy.

* * *

When the subway arrives in the station, Lisa nudges Jennie, laughing when the other girl swats her hand away and sways unsteadily on her feet. 

Lisa tugs her back into her side and smiles when Jennie wraps her arm around her waist. Her perfume smells good, like vanilla and summer, and Lisa presses her nose into her neck, inhaling a little bit more of it.

The doors slide open, letting out a gust of wind with it, and they both wait behind the red lines, watching as a few people trickle out of the car and amble up the subway stairs. 

The car is hardly crowded considering that it’s 11 at night and Jennie murmurs something unintelligible under her breath before pulling them over to a seat next to the window. When they sit down, the mechanical voice over the intercom tells them that the doors will close shortly and to take their seats. 

A man, probably around their own age, slides into the car just as the doors close and he bends over, holding onto his knees as he attempts to catch his breath. 

When the train starts moving, he reaches for the handrail above before he starts walking down to the last row of seats in the back. 

Jennie tangles their hands together and looks out the window, watching the lights along the concrete of the tunnel pass by the glass. Lisa can see her reflection in the window and she squeezes her fingers when Jennie catches her staring and smiles. 

Her cheeks are still flushed from the beer and the soju and the chicken from the bar. It was nice getting to meet up with their friends and catch up after a while. Jennie was always social—had friends from college that she still kept in contact with—and despite what happened, they never treated her differently. 

Lisa remembers the way Jennie had smiled over the bowl of nuts, how she had looked at Lisa throughout the night and held her hand over the table. And when Chaeyoung had flicked her hand and she threatened to slap her. 

“Did you have fun?” Lisa asks her. 

“Mm,” she hums. “Did you?”

“Yeah, I did.”

Lisa lays her head back against the seat, listening to the train move along the tracks and enjoying the way that Jennie's fingers rub the skin of her wrist. Her thumb smooths over her pulse point and she closes her eyes, thinking about how easy it would be to fall asleep here. She cracks one eye open though, making a noise in the back of her throat when Jennie takes her hand and tucks it in between her legs. 

Her skin is cool to the touch, her skirt short enough that Lisa's entire hand covers her thigh. She can feel goosebumps along her flesh and when she opens her mouth to say something, Jennie turns her head and kisses her softly on the mouth. Her lips are trembling slightly, but Lisa can taste the beer on her tongue and a little bit of salt from the bag of chips that they shared. 

"Are you okay?" Lisa whispers. 

Jennie kisses her softly again, nodding slightly, and leaning up to run her nose against the skin of her cheek. 

"I'm okay."

Lisa kisses her again and she likes how slow it is for them-how the buildup is what they always take their time with. Jennie is always curious when she kisses, like she has to figure out the way to move her mouth, what the best position is to deepen it, and figuring out the little things that Lisa likes. But Lisa is okay with everything. She's okay with the slow way that Jennie licks into her mouth, feeling the back of her teeth and swirling her tongue around her own. She's okay with tugging on Jennie's bottom lip with her teeth, smiling at her when Jennie giggles and licks at her lip. 

"I love you," she whispers. 

"I know," she chuckles. "I love you too."

She kisses her chin and then takes Lisa's hand, moving it up her thigh and underneath her skirt until her fingers come in contact with Jennie's clit. 

"Babe-" Lisa chokes out. Her fingers freeze, almost curling away from her, but Jennie keeps her wrist still, pulling her closer. 

"Baby...." she breathes. "You're not wearing...you're not wearing...any...any underwear?"

"No," she shakes her head and pulls back to look up at Lisa. "No, I-" she licks her lips. "I-I wanted you to...I wanted you to...touch me. Wanted to feel you," she breathes against Lisa's cheek.

 _"Please_ ," she whines. "Please, Lisa."

Lisa swears underneath her breath, closing her eyes for a split second before she looks over her shoulder at the man in the back of the car. He has headphones on and he's too busy staring at something on his phone, bobbing his head to whatever he's listening to. 

Lisa looks back at her girlfriend and nods her head slightly, licking her lips as she leans down and kisses her nose. "Okay," she whispers. "Just relax, I'll take care of you. I always take care of you."

"Take care of me so well," Jennie murmurs and pushes her face into Lisa's neck as her fingers make contact with her clit. 

Lisa knows that her own fingers are cold, so it doesn't surprise her when Jennie jolts, grabbing onto her arm, as she starts lightly rubbing the skin in lazy circles. Jennie sighs openly against her neck, her breath hot, as her fingernails dig into Lisa's arm. The angle is slightly off and Lisa tries to twist her wrist to make it more comfortable for Jennie, but when she does, her finger slides between her folds, causing Jennie to cry out softly. 

"Shh," she whispers. "Shh, I got you, but you gotta keep it down, love."

Lisa kisses her again and Jennie tries to kiss back, but her lips are trembling as Lisa's fingers rub at her folds, gathering the slick that's already leaking. 

"God," she licks her lips. "You're so wet, can't believe you came out here like this."

She dips her index finger teasingly into her center, rubbing at the flesh there, and Jennie jerks, moaning lowly into her neck.

 _"Fuck_ ," Jennie sighs loudly. "F-Fuck."

Lisa rubs at the area again, kissing her across her face and leaning down to peck her lips. When the train comes to a stop, Lisa pulls back, her fingers moving to continue rubbing against her clit. The doors slide open and no one enters, the same automated voice coming over the intercom that says to carefully find a seat before the doors close. As Lisa glances out the window, she can see the trash rolling away on the platform and the news stands that are closed for the night. Jennie's eyes are pinched close and she's holding on to Lisa so tightly that when the doors finally close and the train lurches forward, she's able to rub herself hard against her hand. 

Her mouth drops open in a moan and Lisa kisses her, hearing her sounds in her own mouth and feeling the way that her thighs are squeezing around her hand. 

Lisa alternates between rubbing and plunging her fingers into Jennie, watching the way that she shakes in her hold and how she moans against her neck as they listen to the wet sounds of her body open up. Lisa pushes three fingers into her and she knows that the other girl is close because her fingernails are practically drawing blood and she's biting on her bottom lip hard. 

"Close?"

Jennie nods jerkily, her eyes opening slightly so that Lisa can see that there are tears gathering at the corner. 

"So good-" she keens quietly. "You make me-" Jennie pants and sighs loudly when Lisa curls her fingers inside of her. "You make me feel so good."

Lisa keeps up that motion, curling her fingers in that soft spot and rubbing at it, while Jennie rocks against her fingers, her teeth clenched tightly together. When Lisa kisses her again, it's sloppy: nothing but teeth and tongue and their breaths desperate for each other. She stabs her fingers into her at just the right angle and that's all it takes for Jennie to seize up and spill into her hand. Her body stays in that position for a long minute, her thighs squeezing Lisa's hand as she takes in a lungful of air. 

Lisa helps her come down, whispering in her ear and kissing her softly, as she slowly pulls her fingers out of her. She knows that Jennie is sensitive, so she murmurs how great it was in her ear and rubs at her clit softly, comforting her as Jennie kisses her throat. 

"You okay?" she finally whispers. 

Her skirt is slightly rumpled and her eyes are red from crying, but she nods and wipes her face, her fingers shaking as she hugs onto Lisa. "I'm _great_ ," she sighs. "Thank you."

Lisa kisses the top of her head and wraps her arm around her shoulder to pull her closer even though it's physically impossible.

* * *

****

**August 8th 2020**

On their anniversary, Lisa surprises her with a chocolate cake topped with strawberries and Jennie smiles so wide, that her cheeks bunch up, making it nearly impossible to see her eyes. 

They both had work, so they didn't have time to take the day off or plan something more elaborate but Jennie waves that off, saying that just spending time with Lisa is enough. She gathers all of the notebooks that they've written in and they spend the better part of the night reading through their anniversary entries over the years. In 2011, they visited an aquarium, taking turns feeding the seals and Jennie stares at the pictures for a long time, running her finger over the edge of the film until she's done looking. In 2012, they went to Jeju, spending three nights there going to the beach, eating seafood, and visiting waterfalls. In 2013, they went to New York, Lisa's first time to the U.S., where they gorged themselves on pizza and took tacky photos with all the tourist landmarks. In 2014, Jennie had a conference in Busan, so they spent it over Skype, eating food with each other and sharing their day; Lisa promising Jennie that they would do something together once she got back. In 2015, they went to Namsan Tower, eating at a fancy restaurant and making lockets with each other before hanging it along the wall of the bridge. 

In 2016, they went to Australia and visited Bondi beach, lounging on the sand and riding jet skis farther out in the water. They sat in at the Sydney Opera House and then went through markets, eating and trying delicious food that they had never had before. In 2017, they spend it at a park, having a small picnic under the shade of the tree as people bicycle past and kids run along the grass. In 2018, they spend it with Jennie's father, listening to him sing along to Frank Sinatra and gift them with a brand new rice cooker that even comes with a separate port for an air fryer. In 2019, they go back to New York, seeing a show at the Radio City Music Hall and taking the ferry to see the Statue of Liberty. 

"I can't believe it's been ten years..." she says quietly. 

Lisa rubs her arm and watches as she closes the last notebook, setting it in front of her on the table. "I know, me either."

"You don't regret it?"

"Regret ten years with you?" Lisa scoffs. "Hell no. It's honestly the happiest I've ever been in my life."

Jennie snorts and grabs her plate next to her, stabbing her fork in the cake and putting a piece in her mouth. She chews quietly, licking the chocolate off of her fork and offering some to Lisa. 

"Are you happy?"

"I am," she nods and opens her mouth to say something else, but closes it. 

"What is it?"

"I just can't help but think... _why_? You know, why would you do this for ten years? Is it not exhausting?"

Lisa reaches out with her hand, twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers. She doesn't answer her right away-instead she leans over and kisses her softly, tasting the chocolate in her mouth and something that is wholly Jennie.

"To be honest," she sighs. "I don't think I know how to live without you. You've been apart of my life since we were fucking _twenty_. You know everything about me. You know all of my jokes, you know what makes me angry, and how I liked my toast, and where I put my glasses at when I can't find them. You know _so_ much," Lisa says, rubbing the skin of her ear. "Even if you don't-won't ever remember-you know all about me. I can't-" she shakes her head. "I can't even imagine being with someone else because you're it for me. You make me feel complete, and even if I have to remind you every single day, even if we have to start over every single day-who the fuck cares? I don't. Yeah, it might of been ten years, but fuck, for me it feels like the beginning every day I wake up next to you. I don't know if this really answers your question, but I just-" she sighs. "I'm crazy about _you_. I want to spend the rest of my life with _you_."

Jennie laughs wetly, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand, before she smacks Lisa's chest lightly. 

"Do you always talk shit like this?"

Lisa snorts, moving her plate off her lap, so she can pull Jennie into her arms. They fit together just like they always have, just like they did when Lisa hugged her from behind on their very first date and knew that she loved her. They fit like they were always made for each other, like God knew that no one else would be able to work for them like they way they did for each other. And it doesn't terrify Lisa; the future doesn't scare her as much as it used to back then, back when she didn't know if she was strong enough to handle this. 

But she is. Jennie is. Jennie wakes up everyday with a past that she can't remember and only lingering memories of her family rooted in her head. Everyday she lies next to Lisa and eats beside her at the table and comes home to soft sheets and rain pelting against the window and she _stays_. She fucking stays. 

"You make me feel like I've always belonged here," Jennie murmurs into her shirt. "Like I've always been something to you."

"You are something to me," Lisa says, kissing her temple. "My darling," she whispers against her skin and squeezes her side. 

Jennie moves her head to kiss her throat and it shouldn't make the hair on the back of her neck stand up, but it does. It still fucking does a decade later.


End file.
